Being the Bitter Ex

I am a liar. I'm a cheater and deceiver, too. And although I have moved on from my previous relationship, I am realizing that I am the bitter ex. 

I say that I don't care what people think of me, but I lied. I don't care what most people think of me. But for some reason, until very, very recently, I could consider myself obsessed with how my ex thought of me or referred to me and our past relationship. Mind you, I'm happy and enthused and overjoyed about the relationship that I am in now. But when you don't fully address hurt and resentment, you can find yourself doing all kinds of craziness (like stalking their social media and making yourself angry about posts that you think are about you) only to realize that you've developed some unhealthy "coping mechanisms" that can be a great hindrance for your future. 

I claim that I'm faithful, while at the same time I allow my thoughts to be overtaken with meaningless arguments about how to try to salvage a friendship with my ex. So the time I should be focused on living and building and growing with my partner is subconsciously overshadowed by dead end conversations that I knew were going to blow up in my face before they even started. 

I present as a very strong person, but in reality, I feel really dumb for the decisions I made in my previous relationship, and those mistakes still affect my self-confidence to this day. I'll be the main person championing growth and learning from the past and not dwelling on the shortcomings and the whole "glow up" movement when it comes to doing what makes you happy and honoring the beautiful journey of finding yourself after leaving a toxic relationship, but the truth of the matter is that all that sounds good, but its hard as hell to execute. it's haaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrdddddd, fam. Letting go is one of the toughest concepts to grasp as an adult. And truthfully, I'm still learning to let go. Let me be transparent: it's not easy for me to make friends. I have never found that part of life to be easy at all. It's also very heartbreaking for me to lose friends. I literally have to go through a mourning period when I am notified that a friendship just isn't gonna work out. So clearly, letting go is not my forte. So even in the summation of all of the hurt and tears and arguments and resentment and pettiness and miscommunication, I still wanted to maintain at least a friendship with my ex. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic and dumb as hell, but I have the hardest time allowing relationships to end on a bad note. Some things are clearly out of our control, however. And there's a special kind of healing that we have to force ourselves through to truly be okay with closing previous chapters in our lives. 

I was chilling with Rob and Candace, just talking about life and relationships. And because I was mad and frustrated with my ex, I kept inadvertently bringing up my old thang. I didn't even realize how much the situation was bothering me until Rob asked me why I kept bringing my ex up. My immediate response was that my ex pissed me off because of something I read on one of his tweets. Why, oh why, was I still looking at his profile and reading into the tweets? I had to check myself. Rob and Candace had to check me, and that's when I realized that I was the bitter ex. I was happy and in love and working on new goals and making new friends, but why was I still allowing my past to knock me off my course? The underlying frustration also reared its ugly head in other conversations when the recurring response I had was, "I don't care," which was finally met with, "well what DO you care about?"

What do you care about, Jazzmyn? I was realizing that my nonchalant attitude about many things was a coping mechanism for me, and things that I should care about (like taking care of my hair or maintaining a healthy diet or drinking water) took a back seat, while things I should not care about (like my ex's opinion of me) was screaming loud and proud from the mountaintops. Thank G-d for friends who can call you out on your bullsh and snap you back to reality. 

so yes. I am happy, in love and so excited and hopeful about my future with my partner. I am also in the process of letting go of a friendship and a relationship, which had its good times, but was toxic and dramatic and unhealthy from the beginning. I have to remember why I left: the relationship was no longer making me happy and no longer serving the purpose that I needed. What I love about my partner is that we have both felt comfortable enough to share our gripes and mistakes and misjudgements about our previous relationships, and we are recognizing that we don't want to repeat those same mistakes in what we got going. 

I have everything right going for me. I am also the bitter ex. One of these things will serve me well in my future. The other will take time to heal through, but won't be my identity forever. 

Being the Bitter Ex is an original post and appeared first on BYNKradio.com by Jazzmyn Blu.