Getting Back to ME: Overcoming Post-Partum Depression

Hey y’all!

Lets welcome each other back to this safe space for the first #CenteredThursday post of 2019!

There’s literally a lifetime of events that have transpired since I last wrote, and although I won’t get into ALL of the happenings in this post, we will talk soon about all the changes and news - promise.

This Thursday I wanted to begin the conversation of my most recent bout with depression, and how I plan to work through this current storm.

Yesterday I made myself go outside and get some sun. The antidote, I’ve found, to depression is action. Gotta get up and get out and DO SOMETHING. Seriously. Sounds crazy, I’m sure. But when I start to feel myself slip down that slope, I notice in hindsight that my activity had been waning and I’ve dwelt in silence (more detail on this revelation on my Twitter thread). What actions will I take to combat this depression? Being social and writing more consistently. These are the things that make me feel most like ME.

So let’s get to it. Why am I depressed? Because I am no longer pregnant.

To be clear: I had a safe delivery and my son is healthy and doing just fine.

But he was born at 26 weeks. I was 6 months pregnant and I was just getting used to my changing body and all that comes with being pregnant.

Please know that I am so abundantly grateful that my baby is safe, I am safe and that he doesn’t have any major health issues.

But I am human and I feel robbed of a “normal” pregnancy experience and “normal” birth of my child. It is so strange to no longer be pregnant, to be pumping for my son in the NICU because he can’t come home with me.

He is now five weeks old and I know that ‘love at first sight’ actually exists. I love him dearly, but I want him here with me.

His nurses are great people, and I trust their expertise completely. I pray over the doctors and nurses’ hands. They’re doing an incredible job with my son.

All of these facts don’t change the reality that I’m no longer pregnant and my baby is in the hospital indefinitely.

Four hours out of the day, I get to feel like a mother. I get to interact with my son, take his temperature, change his diaper and soothe him when he’s upset. And then I get to drive 25 minutes home without him.

He will remain in the NICU until he’s big enough and strong enough to come home. That could be his due date in May; he could come home much later, even with good health.

I was so excited when my husband (I got married y’all!) and I found out we were pregnant. I loved my baby bump and it was so exciting to feel the kicks and the hiccups.

We became parents on Valentine’s Day. We weren’t ready but it was time. and of course we wouldn’t have been ready if he came on time, but that doesn’t take away the anxiety of delivering your baby 3 months earlier than planned. But becoming a parent three months early to a preemie baby is scary and teeming with uncertainty.

My son is so strong. He even shows out for me and his dad a little bit, making leaps and bounds of progress. He will know when he gets older that he helped me get through this depression (yes, I am speaking it into existence because I know I will get through this). I have to get through this so that I can be whole for him.

No, I did not have the pregnancy that I imagined I would. No, I didn’t get big as a house. No, he wasn’t born on his due date and my grandmother did not get to meet him. No, absolutely NOTHING went as planned for my pregnancy and my life has been changed forever.

But he was born. And he was born healthy. And both of our lives were saved on February 14th. And I became a mother to a strong and feisty NICU baby. And I have been humbled by God’s Goodness. And by God’s Will, I visit my son every day. And my son is in great care. And by God’s Will, he will eventually be ready to come home. And I know I have to get through this valley to be ready for his homecoming.

Getting Back to ME is an original post and appeared first on BYNKradio.net by Jazzmyn Blu.